[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too