About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
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ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
this country is so goddamn polarized
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
much to think about
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.