Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
You Might Also Like
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
A short story about romance.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
(Electricians.)
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Seek kebab; not attention
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
New mindset, who dis?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.