Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Cha-ching is my safe word
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.