I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
You Might Also Like
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together