God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*