Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
british sex workers really pound for pound
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣