Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
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*offers Batman cough drops*
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.