Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.