[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present