Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
You Might Also Like
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.