My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
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“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Aight bet
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.