LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*