If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
plums roundup
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”