Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.