Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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#winning
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
no refunds
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.