I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.