cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
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9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The “baby” on the left….
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Those are good neighbors.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth