People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
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My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.