Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Human are so complicated
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?