-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
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*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me