You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
They must have gotten it to go.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo