Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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I think I’ll stand
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Room with a view.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.