“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I enjoy a good short stor
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor: