In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
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My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I would move hell over six inches for you
Raisins are grape jerky.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Pat is about to own someone
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting