[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
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I鈥檝e heard parents say they don鈥檛 enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy鈥檚 coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy鈥檚 water gets to be my favorite for the day
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she鈥檇 look guilty of something.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I love triscuits. It鈥檚 like eating a basket
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don鈥檛 want to have them.
5: I don鈥檛 want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They鈥檙e a lot of work.
Me: Then why don鈥檛 you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 馃槀
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 馃獎
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Love is always patient and kind.