To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
You Might Also Like
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.