I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.