[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
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*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
my lower back watching me try to live my life
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.