Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.