Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
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conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Stop being racist to kettles.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
grotesque if literal: baby food
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital