I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Breaking news:
Mornin
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.