When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
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Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
thank god
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?