What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
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[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.