I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog