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ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
turning my gender off to conserve energy
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.