I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
You Might Also Like
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.