Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
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If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒