Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
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a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
do u think theres a butter planet?
He a real one for that
I hate when that happens.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.