“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
What the hell happened in there??
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl