[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
My love language is hissing.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture