I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
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When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.