When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
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Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
a fate I wish upon no one
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*