“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale