The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
not for long
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu