I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO