‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
#TopTip
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him