The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
You Might Also Like
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
This is not me but this is me
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Stonehinge
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.