I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?