“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
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surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat